Cereal Epic

This is possibly the weirdest thing I have ever come up with.  I blame my mother.

Once Upon a Breakfast, or Some Such Nonsense

In the supercontinent of Grainitopia, the people were happy, the marshmallows were plentiful, and life was never soggy.  Man and Cereal lived peacefully together, farming grain and providing the essential nutrients to start the day off right.

One day, the Quaker Oats Quaker (having been driven from the ways of peace and oats by the corrupting influence of mass media), launched an attack on his neighbor, the benevolent Count Chocula.  Fearing for his people, the Count sent his trusted friend, Toucan Sam, in search of the brave Captain Crunch, who was seeking the rare Frosted Crunchberry somewhere in the Sea of Vitamin D.  When the Quaker besieged the Count’s marshmallow fortress, the Count retaliated by sending out his army of Krispy Riceketeers, who were then viciously slaughtered by the Quaker’s horde of Corn Pop Artillerymen.  Corn Pop cannons trump Rice Krispy muskets any day.  The only survivors of the massacre were three junior Riceketeers by the names of Snap, Crackle, and, you guessed it, Pop.  The three (very short men) were found injured on the battlefield and nursed back to health by Aunt Jemima.  After recovering, the three set out on a heroic quest to bring the Captain back from his quests to aid the imprisoned Count.  The wise old Aunt pointed them northward, to the mystical Island of Frosted Things.

When he learned of the flight of Toucan Sam, the enraged Quaker sent for the most dangerous mercenary (or “Cereal Killer”) in the land: Tony the Tiger.  The Quaker hired Tony to find both Toucan Sam and Captain Crunch, and eliminate them. The tiger went on his way, not knowing that he was on a collision course with Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

The mercenary and the three aspiring heroes collided in the most unusual and goopy way possible.  After leaving the bounds of Oatopia, the Riceketeers, stalked by Tony the Tiger, began a treacherous trek across the mysterious mud of the Oatmeal Marsh.  Tony the Tiger, an expert tracker, was somewhat out of his element.  The marshes provided no cover whatsoever, so it was not long before Pop, the smartest of the three, heard the sound of the mercenary’s paws squelching in the warm oatey muck.  Pandemonium ensued.  Pop, Crackle, and Snap ran forward, with Tony in hot pursuit, until the Tiger’s paw slipped!  Stumbling, he fell into Cream of Wheat quicksand and began to sink.  Their heroic instincts awakening, the three Riceketeers turned to pull their enemy from the Cream of Wheat, and (after much heaving and ho-ing) they succeeded.  However, they were not out of danger yet.  While they were catching their breath, they were surrounded by the feared Pop-Tart Pigmies (whose spoons are always too big) and knocked unconscious. 

The heroes and the Tiger awoke to find themselved trussed upside-down over a gigantic toaster oven.  Beside them was Toucan Sam, who had been netted by the Pygmies as he flew northward.  Finding themselves in a pretty pickle, our heroes racked their brains for a solution.  Luckily, Crackle had studied Pop-Tartese while in Breakfast School, and was thus able to communicate with the pigmy chieftain, a crusty (in more than one way) S’more Pop-Tart.  Crackle learned that they were being saved to sacrifice to the Great White God, He of the Pokeable Belly.  Hoo-Hoo!

Meanwhile, in the castle, the Quaker stomped about and made intimidating faces while Count Chocula languished fashionably in the damp and soggy dungeons.  Outside the castle, Fred Flintstone began making quiet arrangements for a rebellion with the Honey-Nut Cheerios Honeybee and Barney Rubble left off thieving Fred’s Fruity Pebbles to stockpile weapons.   The Quaker’s hold on Grainitopia was starting to slip.

Our heroes, plus the Tiger and the Toucan, were in a pretty pickle indeed.  As night fell, the God revealed himself, and never had they seen a more fearsome sight.  His round white face and soulless eyes shook them to their very core, but the Tiger, a fearsome sight himself, saw a way out.  A feral cat of many talents, he offered his services to the Great White God of Pil-L’Sb-Ury and asked if there was anything the God himself desired.  After thinking and Hoo-hoo!ing for a few minutes, the Great One smiled and nodded.  He told them that he would spare their lives if they brought him a rare Frosted Crunchberry.  The travelers agreed, and moved out, with Crackle staying with the Pygmies as insurance that the others would return.  As Tony owed all three Riceketeers a debt of honor, he had no choice but to accept the mission. 

They moved quickly through the Kashi forest before reaching the Great North Sea of Vitamin D.  Buying a bowl-boat off of an old rooster, they set off.  The boat was old and smelled like Corn Flakes, but it served their purposes well enough.  After sailing for three breakfasts across the sea, they finally landed on the Island of Frosted Things.  Snap and Pop were astounded, and even Tony was impressed by the glittering island.  Everything was encrusted with sugar; even the ground crunched under their feet.  Stumbling across a settlement of friendly Frosted Mini-Wheats, they enquired after the Captain.  They were in luck.  The Captain was, in fact, a guest of the Mini-Wheats, who took the travelers to their Chief Mugwump’s wigwam. 

Pop and Snap were overjoyed to see the Captain, while Tony the Tiger was perplexed.  For the first time, his orders conflicted with his desires – he knew he was being paid to kill the Captain, but the frosty-hearted Tiger had also become genuinely fond of the three little Riceketeers.  He stepped forward, Krispy-gun pointed at the Captain.  However, Snap and Pop jumped between the two.  Torn between his heart and his pocket, the Tiger faltered and ran out of the wigwam into the frosted wilderness.  He ran until he could run no more, collapsing on the sugary tundra.  Suddenly, he had a vision of corn flakes, only frosted.  They looked, well, they looked grrrreeeaaat!  The Tiger stood up.  He knew that his mission was no longer to kill, but to create.  He was meant to defeat the tyranny of the Quaker and bring the frosted deliciousness of this new cereal to the people of Grainitopia.  He began running back.

Count Chocula found that languishing in dungeons was much more work than it seemed to be in books.  He abandoned languishing in favor of searching for a way out.  After wiggling out a brick in the wall of his cell, he was able to communicate with his neighbor, a rabbit who had been imprisoned for mauling a group of children who had taken his Trix from him.  The rabbit was quite mad and not the best companion (his conversation revolved around Trix to the point of obsession), but, the Count reasoned, beggers can’t be choosers.  Together, they devised a plan.  Or, more accurately, the Count devised a plan and the Rabbit talked about Trix.

At the rebellion headquarters (the Flintstone cave), Fred and the Honeybee pored over a map of the castles, devising a plan of their own.

As the Captain, Toucan Sam, Snap and Pop loaded the Captain’s ship with enough Frosted Crunchberries to give a walrus diabetes, they were shocked to see Tony the Tiger leap on board, heroism glinting in his eyes.  Toucan Sam was reluctant to trust the Tiger, given his criminal history, and demanded he be thrown overboard.  However, as the Captain reasoned, beggers can’t be choosers, and so they set sail for the southern lands.

After hitting land and practically flying through the Kashi forest (a peaceful, if pretentious, forest of healthy food), the travelers located the pygmy camp.  What they saw shocked them.  Crackle was sitting on the throne, being fed icing by various comely Tarts.  Apparently, the old Pop-Tart had decided to go on some kind of pastry walkabout to find himself and he had left Crackle in charge.  Clearly, it’s good to be the king.  The Great White God stood behind Crackle, eagerly awaiting his Frosted Crunchberry.  The heroes traded the Frosted Crunchberry for the loudly protesting Crackle, dragging their comrade away from his harem and his high-fructose corn syrup feast.  They slogged determinedly through the marsh towards the castle.

The Count was free.  His plan was simple.  He and the Rabbit incapacitated their doorguards, and the Count, pretending to be a fan-dancer with the rabbit as his insane banjo-playing partner, simply walked out.  Shedding his petticoats, he beelined it for the Flintstone’s cave.  They prepared to storm the castle that night.

When darkness fell, the plan went into action.  Honeybee and his army of bees flew over the battlements to drop boiling hot milk on the guards.  On the ground, Flintstone and Rubble catapoulted heaps of soggy Fruity Pebbles at the walls, which (being made of marshmallow) began to melt.  The Count then led the charge, with the Rabbit at his side.  However, without any real soldiers, the rebels were fighting a losing battle.  Then it happened.  Tony the Tiger hit the wall of soldiers like a thunderbolt made of orange-and-black-stripey-fur.  Yelling his battle cry “I’m GRREEEEEAAATTT!”, he ran into the castle to find the Quaker.  Captain Crunch ran to the aid of the Count, organizing the rebel forces into a fighting unit.   The war was practically over at that point, as the Corn Pop Artillerymen lost heart in the face of such ridiculous heroism.  And when Tony the Tiger emerged, dragging the Quaker by his wig, it really was over.  The Breakfast War was over.

The heroes were rewarded handsomely.  Tony the Tiger was given a full pardon and became an upstanding citizen.  Snap, Crackle and Pop were put in charge of training a new generation of Krispy Riceketeers.    The Rabbit was given all the Trix he could eat (finally!).  Flintstone, Rubble and the Honeybee were given positions within the government, which did not stop Barney from taking Fred’s Fruity Pebbles or Fred from pummeling Barney.

The Captain did not stay for long, but the next time he left, Sam Toucan went with him.  They went sailing south to find some kind of new Froot Loop.  Clearly, they were following Sam’s nose.

The Quaker was exiled to the Kashi forest, where he learned the ways of health food, and went back to cereal production.  That is how we got Honey Bunches of Oats.

And all was well-balanced again.